Genetically Impossible
by SailorSilvanesti
Summary: Reid is tackling his greatest foe...who he loves very much, Henry! JJ's gorgeous little son, and the resident Genius's Godchild...This could prove to be more of a challenge than he anticipates...And why can't he master baby-speak! Random Morgan/Pren...


**Discalimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of it's characters, I just make stories using [and occasionally torturing] them...**

**A cute little One-Shot Thingy I thought of at 11 at night, I don't know why, always thought it would be an interesting 'What if?' scenario.**

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><p><strong>Genetically Impossible…<strong>

Babies.

It wasn't that he didn't like them, it was just…they kind of scared him, to be honest; which was an interesting confession, coming from someone who could memorise the dictionary in an hour or less.

The Boy Genius gazed uncertainly at his opponent, the infant lay there, gurgling in tired, though pleased baby speak. Almost as if the little demon hadn't just spent the last ten minutes crying and screaming hysterically; it had gotten to the point where Spencer,_ himself_, had wanted to partake of these activities.

When JJ got back, they were going to have a few words over who exactly gave her the idea he was the best candidate for 'Babysitter of the Evening'…so that he may hunt them down and _kill them_!

Henry burbled softly, little eyes latching onto his face and the small, pink lips quirked in an imitatory smile…a thousand facts about baby care rushed through his mind in mere seconds, but they were…to extensive purposes, useless in the face of his inexperience…

~)0(~

Unbeknownst to the intrepid Dr Reid, he was being watched…

"You think we should give him a hand, Prentiss?" asked the smiling SSA Morgan, glancing over at Emily in the seat beside him; he passed the binoculars over to the other agent and reached for a doughnut, careful not to get any of the powder on the black leather upholstery.

He did _not_ want to have to explain to Hotch why the car they'd borrowed was covered in fluffy white powder…that wouldn't look good on any report…

For her part, Prentiss rested her hands lightly on the wheel, steadying herself as she used the binoculars to peer into JJ's home via a half-veiled window, smiling at the unique situation Reid had landed himself in…

"No, he's supposed to do this on his own, he'll figure it out eventually. Hah! I thought he was going to break down and cry in the foetal position, when Henry started to bawl before! You have no idea how close I came to running over there and kicking down the door, but he managed…

Although, to be honest, I'm not sure which one I would have hugged first…he_ is_ trying_ really _hard…babies aren't easy to manage!

Besides, he needs this Crash Course in Godfathering 101…otherwise, how can we trust him with our child?" she asked Derek, smiling at him, hand absently stroking over the soft bulge of her abdomen. He smiled back in amusement, "I suppose you're right, but…if anything else happens…"

The remainder of the sentence was left unsaid, but they both nodded in agreement.

~)0(~

"Okay…says here on the note ~_your mommy left us_~ that you have to have ~_a bath…y…_~" he said, trying to adopt that strange ~Baby-voice~ everyone else in the world seemed capable of generating…except him…

He lifted the little boy up, holding the small head in one hand and pressing the child to his chest with the other, bouncing softly so as not to provoke another crying episode…which he _really _couldn't deal with right now… and slowly made his way to the bathroom.

~)0(~

Lowering the binoculars as Reid left her field of vision, Emily smiled, "I think he'll be ju-_uuuuuuust _fine!" she whispered.

~)0(~

He was starting to see why people really liked these creatures…mini-humanoids really were adorable and they learned to adapt so quickly…Reid blinked, catching himself running off with strange thoughts. Henry looked up at him, head cradled in Spencer's hand and body gently floating in the baby bath; his little legs kicked out and he looked, for all intents and purposes, like he was doing a little swimming in the spot!

The young agent caught an '_Awwww!_' before it slipped out and glanced about, self-consciously in case anyone saw, Morgan would tease him for life if he saw him fawning over- but how could he not? His hand grabbed a nearby washer and carefully washed his Godson, making certain no soap got in his eyes…Henry burbled and created little splashes with his arms and legs.

Water splashed on his face and he laughed softly, suddenly liking this activity very much… "Alright, mister, you're clean!" he said, a grin growing on his face as he gently picked the small body up and carefully towelled him dry.

The clean nappy proved not to be an issue, the 'jammies' as JJ called them, were another matter…

~)0(~

Emily snorted, covering her mouth with a hand, Derek looked at her strangely, "What? What's going on, do we need to go save our genius from an infant, already?" he asked. She shook her head and continued to giggle behind her hand, handing over the binoculars, instead…

With a quick look through them, FBI Agent Derek Morgan burst out laughing…

~)0(~

"I don't mean to alarm you Henry, but I seem to have incorrectly adorned you in your outfit- I mean, _~Your legally appointed technical guardian Spencer has gone whoopsy-daisy with your night-night clothes, let's just fix that, shall we?~ _" Beads of sweat were literally forming on his brow as he struggled to come up with more baby-speak, this wasn't as easy as the others made it seem.

Hotch would just look at Henry and be able to respond with all sorts of babble and cooing, Prentiss and Garcia were instinctive experts in the language and he'd never known Rossi, Gideon or Morgan to have an issue…Was he defective…? A genetic flaw that made it physically impossible for him to use 'baby-talk'…?

Still, he smiled strainedly as he removed the confusing garment and tried again, wondering exactly how someone with his IQ had mistaken the 'rear-hatch' for a neck-hole…Oh, well, second time's the charm!

_Not that charms were a particularly proven method to increase one's luck and the second or third attempt at any situation usually yielded better result via trial and error than the original attempt, itself. Although- _

Reid caught himself mentally monologuing…he also caught something he perceived to be far less pleasant. He looked at the sleepily-smiling infant in abject horror…

~)0(~

"…this is it, prepare to break down the door, I don't think he's going to survive this…" muttered Derek, hand going for his seatbelt release tab, the other snaking towards the door; Emily laid a hand on his and smiled that intuitive Women's Smile, "_Wait…_" she whispered, knowingly.

~)0(~

After divesting Henry of the outfit for the second time, Reid peeled back the tabs of the nappy, vaguely wishing he had a pair of latex gloves so this could be considered more sanitary than the current situation allowed; whilst gagging is a common reflex in such situations, the young agent found he didn't need such a basic, primary function.

It was not, by any stretch of his massive imagination, as bad as he feared…not great, but better than all the horrifying images his mind had conjured up prior to this visual confirmation; calmly, he reached for the necessary items and proceeded as the various baby care manuals he had read, instructed. Maintaining a soft smile and a stream of non-sensical murmurings at little Henry the entire time…

It was only after he had finished and reclothed Henry –indeed, the exact moment it struck him was when he was mid-lather in the sink, with his godson lying one foot to his right, securely in the bench- that he realised…he had used baby-speech…

Suddenly all his diplomas meant for naught…which was strange, especially for him, because he let forth a brilliant smile of happiness and achievement before turning and picking the baby up, "_~Come on you, it's time for Sleepy-Byes now, Shhhhh!~_"

~)0(~

It was late when someone rapped on their Driver's side window, Derek sleepily wound down the window, "I assume," came JJ's perky voice, "that since you are both out here, I still have a son?"

There was an instinctive note of panic in the jovial voice, Emily reached out and patted her on the arm reassuringly, other hand reaching for her door, "Why don't we go and find out…?"

~)0(~

Swinging open the door softly, the trio padded down the hall, cautious so as not to alarm its current inhabitants…one of which currently had a weapon…

They paused in the doorway to the lounge room, Agents Jereau and Prentiss letting out soft sighs of, "Oh…" at the adorable sight that greeted them, even Morgan let out a soft smile…

Stretched out on the couch, tiny bundle of Henry-sized infant cradled to his chest, was the sleeping form of their youngest team member, Dr Spencer Reid.

"Should we wake him?" whispered JJ, smiling; Emily shook her head, "No, but if we don't take a picture, Garcia may kill us…" At which point Derek produced a mobile from nowhere and took aim with the mini-cam…then they left, parting ways at the door. JJ pausing on her way to her room, only long enough to adjust the blanket covering her son and his Godfather…

~)0(~

And Spencer Reid slept on, godson cradled in his arms and dreaming peacefully; not realising that by tomorrow, Garcia and his teammates would have circulated that photo all through the office and he would never hear the end of it…

Nor did he realise that Derek and Emily had decided, then and there, they were going to make him a Godfather twice over when their daughter was born…

For now, he was sleeping peacefully with a little piece of heaven in his arms…

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><p>Please let me know if you like it, I'd love to hear from you!^^<p>

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